There is something about the rain tonight that makes me feel at ease. Standing outside a few moments ago, looking towards the sky and letting it wash over me seems appropriate. There is a song by the band Dashboard Confessional that I love called "Get Me Right" that finds it's way here so beautifully right now.
"But, Jesus I've fallen
I don't mind the rain
if
I meet my maker
I'll meet my maker clean
But, Jesus the truth is
I've struggled so hard to believe
I'll meet my maker
I'll need my maker"
That is why I am here, day 1. I know grace covers all, but I often find myself here at day 1, like that bulletin board at most workplaces that says "Days without Accident" then with head down I wince as I start the process over. When I step back and observe I know the root of these issues is found in a lack of absolute trust that God actually is in control. I can give you the Sunday school preacher's kid answer I have spouted over and over again growing up that "God is in control and I trust him explicitly" but in the end when the flames threaten and life turns from top of the hill to bottom I find myself in a place where the truth is revealed. Trust is not my fav. My life is filled with reason after reason to not trust. My life is a pattern, when life finally seems to be looking good, the rug beneath my feet is swept away and I am left there facedown on the concrete. Trial after trial, valley after valley, will I ever learn this trust that seems to come so naturally to my daughter? Does the answer lie within the brain of a 7 year old? I guess that is where we begin.
Lately I find myself not liking what I see. Don't get me wrong, I'm not where I was years ago but I long to be so much more than who I see in the mirror. I need a tune-up. I need a boot camp to get out of this funk I have been in the past few weeks. The fact that I reached this point helps me believe that He will complete the good work, maybe micrometer at a time but progress is progress! So for the next 21 days I will be on the Daniel Fast and keeping record of it all here. Why blog about it? Because I feel like I need to remember why I am doing this, to focus, otherwise I will stray from the fast and journey because fasting seems to be for me the time when all hell breaks loose. Cars break down, my blood-work all of the sudden is whacky, so this hopefully will be an accountability tool for me as well. My journey here starts with the cry of my heart, to be the man I know lies inside. To be a father that deserves to be looked at the way my daughter looks at me. To be the man God has called me to be and to prepare myself for whomever or whatever God has planned for me. So after a day of shopping for organic veggies, trying to enjoy carrot sticks as a snack and right now trying to fight the urge to drink one of the remaining 5 Amberbocks in my fridge right now this begins. My prayer for this journey starts with this, from Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust:
"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, 'Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit, and this entire day; morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart, I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, and uncertain; Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen."
